“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness….
the moment one definitely commits oneself then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred…
… Goethe / William Hutchison Murray
Last year, for the first time in my life, I wrote relationship advice. In “Why you are my #1 priority and I should be yours” I argued that your romantic relationship, done right, is the biggest asset you have in your life. I wrote it in a moment of great personal angst, and apparently hundreds of people were moved enough to share and comment on it.
True to my belief, I spent most of last year investing in a relationship where there was love, intimacy and what I thought was a mutual commitment to the long term. Coming back into it, we agreed that we had work to do — individually and together. “I am my project, you are your project, us can be our project.”
We expressed our vows to each other in private, and repeated them consistently — in private. For awhile, I believed that this time we will make it.
But then the shit hit the fan. It was not relationship shit. It was all external. A life-storm that happens to most people, exacerbated greatly because of personal history, limiting beliefs, and a wave of anxiety brought on by untreated trauma. And all of a sudden it was a rush to the life-boats, throwing aside vows, plans and promises, all the while repeatedly attempting to explain, placate, obfuscate, cajole. Up to the point where I felt that fear, not hope, that was the only thing left. And I can’t run my life on fear.
Commitment, Real commitment, could have saved us.
What is Commitment
Commitment is a conscious act of you setting a price for quitting. It can be a social price, because you commit in public, taking the risk of shame if you quit. It can be a financial cost, because there’s some material cost in money and effort for quitting — leaving a house, leaving a place, paying a price. Most importantly, there’s an unavoidable emotional cost that you are committing to incur if you quit.
Commitment doesn’t mean that you can’t quit. People divorce. People quit jobs. People move. But normally, they pay a price, and much of that price is internal. You pay with a part of your Self, with a part of your assets — internal or worldly.
So why would anyone constrain their future actions by imposing a price on hypothetical future decisions? In our society, people normally commit to each other willingly, out of love, and during positive periods in their relationship. When everything is fine, why should we agree to pay a future price? Why are we even contemplating it? Why is it such a natural move, that virtually all societies in the 21st century practice some sorts of marriage or similar relationship arrangements?
No, it’s not transactional
When you commit, the first price is narrowing your options. Stopping the “shopping around”. However wonderful the other person is, we know that there’s probably someone “even better” out there — there are 8 billion people on this planet, probably millions within a few miles of us. We could always search for a better partner, a better place, a better job.
You could argue that this first commitment is transactional. “I’m not shopping around if you’re not shopping around”. You could argue that both partners are acting out of fear — fear that the other party would find someone “better”. But in practice, when you commit this way, the only behavior you can really change is your own. Your partner may or may not be truthful. All other things being equal, this decision should have been stressful. And yet, as soon as we make this mutual commitment, we feel a sense of relief, and ease — regardless of whether we truly know if our new partner is truthful. We feel that relief because committing makes us, ourselves, feel lighter. We commit for ourselves, and thus we remove a layer of doubt. Doubt induces stress. When we get rid of that stress, we are better able to focus on the prospects of the relationship, rather than continue searching. When you commit you devalue alternatives, which helps you focus your investment on the partnership.
Thus the first reward for commitment is intrinsic and immediate, allowing us to move from “search mode” to “nurture mode”. It’s a conscious intent to invest the effort, time, resources needed to uphold the partnership.
Commitment allows us to move beyond the FOMO — the fear of missing out, on a “better match”. It replaces it with nurturing, caring, investing in the future. Human beings are almost uniquely evolved to care for each other. This is what we do, this is what gives us meaning, each in our own way. By defying FOMO and replacing it with conviction, we are benefitting ourselves.
Commitment is an act of defying fear.
Real Commitment enables investment
When you have a long term goal on the one hand, and a price to pay if you don’t reach it, it is easier to motivate yourself. Research into the psychology of commitment, especially in the organizational and motivational realms, demonstrates how it drives behavior, sometimes even negatively (e.g. Escalation of commitment, sunk cost fallacy) because it is cognitively easier to stay the course. When your original choice is a good one — when you are with the right person, it is easier for you to nurture the relationship once you’ve committed. When the commitment is mutual, it drives stability, which drives intimacy. When we get closer every day, when we find new ways to support each other in our lives every day, or just make each other happy, the rewards compound. Commitment helps us give and receive, and stay that way.
Real Commitment will get you over the hurdles
Even the best life is riddled with adverse events, pain, and drama. And therefore even the best relationship will be challenged because one or both partners will experience such events, and their own ability to show up will be impaired. I will lose my investments. You will lose your job. Your parents will be sick. My child will defy us. Sometimes we will deal with these events gracefully, and sometimes they will trigger doubt, shame and fear rooted in deep-seated trauma — and we we will stumble. We will take it out on each other, or make rash unilateral decisions without seeing their effect on one another. That is the law of the universe. Putting some guardrails in place helps us not screw up royally. In psychology this is called Constraint commitment — we are putting real constraints on our behavior, and we cherish these constraints because they signify our intent and our values.
Commitment makes hard things easier
That is where Real Commitment comes in. When the price to pay is high enough, and it is imposed by real constraints — our living arrangements, our financial commitments and our social contract with our loved ones and friends — we are more likely to listen, we are less likely to take unilateral steps, we are less likely to throw the baby with the bathwater. The more prone to anxiety, anger and other defensive patterns one is, the more helpful these guardrails. In the best case, they help you contain yourself, take a deep breath, and re-engage. In other cases they will help you recover from a mistake, because you can’t just walk away. When the break-up involves more than packing a box and shipping it somewhere, people think twice, and thrice, and show up.
Commitment is measured in action, not words
Commitment makes it easy for me to sacrifice for you
A meaningful relationship involves compromise and sacrifice. At any given point in time, this sacrifice might not be balanced. In the short term maybe I have to make the greater concession, in the long term maybe you have to. But it’s a sacrifice towards a common goal — towards maximizing our shared well-being. I explained this in last year’s post. Psychological research confirms that healthy self-sacrifice is beneficial to relationships.
But sacrificing towards our shared well-being makes sense only if there will be a shared well-being — i.e. there will be a future. If you can’t believe in our future, because it seems like I’m jeopardizing it — if I was to move away, or to start seeing other people, or prioritize some other goals over the relationship — how can I expect you to sacrifice? My making a Real Commitment, with clear goals, timelines and a “public contract” can help reinstate your belief in that future. In This is why soldiers got engaged or married before going out to war. This is why people who have to turn relationships into long-distance ones define clear timelines, visit schedules and expectations. An explicit commitment, formal and public, reduces the doubt, and helps you live with the sacrifice.
Therefore if you’re sacrificing for me — it’s on me to take the initiative and express my Real Commitment. Anything less than that is not acknowledging you and your needs.
If you can’t commit, quit
If you’ve been in a relationship long enough and can’t make a real commitment to your partner, you may be living a lie. Is there something you need to know and don’t? If there is — ask me. Let’s have the difficult conversation. Ask and listen to the answers. Is there an issue that’s unresolved? Apply yourself to communicating in a way that we can resolve it, or at least understand where we stand.
If your conclusion is that you can’t be with me because I’m not rich enough / healthy enough / smart enough / sociable enough / young enough / attractive enough — figure it out, and tell me the truth. If you can’t bring yourself to ask the questions because you’re afraid of the answers, don’t say you’re committed, because you’re not. You’re just afraid of the consequences of the truth being exposed, and fear is a bad guide to life. Unless you’re a narcissist, you’re setting both of us up for more shame and more pain eventually.
If your partner can’t commit, quit
If you’ve been in a relationship long enough. If there’s love and intimacy and partnership, and still your partner can’t commit — it’s time to ask what stands between them and committing. Is there something they need to know? Is it something you both need to work on?
And if the answers are not satisfactory, or the process of working through the issues can’t seem to resolved them — then the only thing that’s keeping you there is fear. And fear, as stated, is no way to live.
We are mortal, our time is finite. Someone else is waiting for you. Be brave. Don’t make them wait.
Take the plunge.
And if you are in the right place, with the right person, then commit. Not in secret, not in principle, not with ambiguity. Be specific. Be conclusive. Be public. Hash it out. Flesh it out. Then build a little picket fence around it. It will keep the love in.
Inspired by Cory Muscara’s Practicing Human Podcast. Thank you!
Dedicated to Lou, who made me do the work, and keep doing it.
